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Ivan x IDAHO

Saturday, May 30, 2009 Jujiin 1 Comments Category : ,

I was browsing Facebook and found this. When I saw Ivan's name I stopped living for a while. I forgot how to breathe.
The fact that he's gone still weirds me out. My brain repels that idea because it just can't process it most of the time. Whenever it finds its way into my brain it malfunctions and sends raging waves that splash out of my eyes. Sometimes I just need him to slap me and tell me. At least a goodbye.

(photo by Reijiro)

The event in the video was held at Bed, Malate. I can't help but recall Gay Pride where Ivan and I were supposed to DJ together. He died a week before that. My friends told me not to cancel. I wasn't really sure if I could do it. But I did it. For Ivan. With the help of Xtina so thank you very much. That was also the same day of Ivan's interment so you can just imagine the deepest of sorrows swimming through me at that time. I was crying during the set. I played songs that I would call our 'greatest hits' and I'd occasionally sing to him, my hands on my chest and my eyes in the sky.

I don't wish for this crying to go away. These moments are the only ones that I will ever have with you.

IDAHO is International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia.



  1. no words ever enough,
    crazy never a day.

    Till now, I still Pray,
    "Ivan, I don't know what to do..."

    I do not wish to lament,
    but yet we haven't given enough soliloquy,it is so loudly silent.

    same as you are,
    i will never wish for this tears to stop, but i certainly wish
    i can bring back a good old laugh.


    haay, puki mo ka!